Back to the office, I’m still surprised by Sam’s sudden spunk. The kid amazes me, I’m not going to lie.
He actually scares me a bit too, I must admit. I knew how to handle John because he didn’t hide this crazy side I saw in Sam today. John was transparent. John was easy to manipulate – well until a certain point. Sam is a wild card. And like all wild cards, he can achieve great things and also fuck up everything else.
I’m not sure how to deal with that situation. Should I play it by ear? Should I devise a plan that I know will fall apart within the first few seconds?
Bill was amused by Sam’s act but I felt threatened deep inside. Will this kid drive me crazy? Crazier than John did?
Only time will tell, I guess.
The day passes by but I’m too distracted by Sam’s behavior and miss my stop on the subway, ending up thirty blocks uptown. Dude, I’m more bothered by it than I thought. But why? I don’t know this kid. He’s just been introduced to me. And I already had a negative impression of him from the first few seconds. When he shows me his true colors, my reaction is fear? What the heck?
I’m making it worse than it is. Playing stories in my head. Everything will be fine. I thought I was strong enough to deal with that crazy job on my own, but Bill is right. I need help. And Sammy boy will be great.
I received today an email from a girl I met a few months ago. Emily was looking for a job at the time. She passed by the office and came to talk to me because Bill thought I’d make for a great poster child and could share my knowledge with her. No idea how or why I suddenly became an inspiration to people who job hunt. I work twelve hours a day in a place I often despise, and ultimately drank until I lost my mind because of it. I wish I could do something else with my life, but something else in this economic climate doesn’t offer much freedom to be picky. I have too many bills to pay. Money comes and goes but in this world, money is power. Sad but true. Still I don’t consider myself an inspiration to anyone. If it was because of my sobriety I’d understand better. I got nothing to prove. I’ve stopped trying as soon as I set foot in these AA meetings.
My mindset has shifted. Success has taken on a new meaning. If I keep my life, then I’m successful. The rest is icing and the cherry on top. I’m no inspiration. Just a chick with an addiction. My mind drives me wild. Can’t sleep because of all these conversations I have with myself – and these monologues don’t take me anywhere. Like this one. Why do I have to think of Sam instead of relaxing my mind? Watch a movie maybe? All movies are stupid lately.
Like this one. The plot is just pointless. Too many special effects. Too much gratuitous sex. Where’s the imagination of brilliant minds gone? I like to read before bed. But I haven’t found anything that caught my interest lately either.
I should call Julie. Ask her opinion on the Sam subject. She’s a crazy head like me. And her wisdom is unparalleled.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Kiki in the house, what’s up, girl?”
I laugh. “Too many thoughts in my head.”
“Ah. Yes, I know that feeling. Sometimes good thoughts, sometimes bad thoughts.”
I sigh. “I’m obsessing about this new kid at work.”
“What new kid?”
“I have a new minion. His name is Sam. And I’m scared of him,” I say.
“I don’t know. I get a weird vibe from him. He’s a wild card.”
“Oh. Yeah. Wild cards are trouble.”
Of course she understands how I feel. If she doesn’t, then who does?
“So what’s my best course of action?” I ask.
“With wild cards? Well there’s none really. All you can do is watch yourself.”
I inhale deeply. “I don’t want to risk anything.”
“Do you think he’s one of us?”
“That’s the problem. He doesn’t drink but I have no idea whether he has an addictive personality.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I can’t help you more. But wild cards are the worst. They can flip at any moment.”
“That’s alright. You helped even if you think you didn’t.”
“You’re very welcome, honey. Anything else bothering you?”
“Sam is my problem now.”
“Good luck. Call me if you need anything.”
Sammy boy has already become a thorn in my side. If I want to remain the poster child everyone is looking up to, I must stay aware of my possible downfalls. And Sam appears to be one of them.
To be continued…